thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
