Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
