i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i now understand why vodka
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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