Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
