Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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