Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
