I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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