Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
