i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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