It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
