I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
