I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
