Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
