Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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