1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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