I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
