Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
