so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
