shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
