i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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