the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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