how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
