U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
