who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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