he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
