i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
