after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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