I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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