the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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