life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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