in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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