Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
