new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
