I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
