Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I love having hate sex.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
