He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
