Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize