do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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