it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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