I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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