I think I died a long time ago.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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