how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
