Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
