I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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