The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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