hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i think my cat just said my name.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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