dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
