you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
