i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
