dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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