She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
