hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
