so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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