found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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