I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
