I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
