my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
