If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
