He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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