so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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