I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
