The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's shark week go big or go home
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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