I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
