I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
