i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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