Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
