I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
as a side note pls kill me
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