She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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