fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
