god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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