Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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