My sheets look like a crime scene.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
